Building a support system is an important part of mental health. I decided to highlight some books that I thought might be helpful in that endeavor. I won’t be reviewing any books that I don’t think will add value to the reader. I don’t see the point in posting a book that doesn’t provide value.
“Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends” by Shasta Nelson.
The first part of the title tries to reduce the stigma of reading a book about how to make friends. The second part of the title lets the reader know that they will receive a guide on how to make friends. I wish that she hadn’t specified girlfriends, because I think that the tips she gives are broadly applicable. If I wanted to sum up the main question this book answers it would be “How can adults make friends?”
Shasta Nelson says the first step adults should take is to admit the need. Obviously, this makes sense as a first step toward any goal. The author discusses how difficult this first step may be. She points out that we worry that admitting we don’t have as many friends as we need shows that something is wrong with us. The book illustrates that the reason we don’t have friends is because we don’t have the circumstances that make friends.
Different circumstances make different types of friends. Shasta Nelson defines 5 types of friendships. For example, she defines contact friends as people that someone sees only in one setting. If a person wanted to move the friendship to another category, they would need to spend time with that person in a new context. The author believes that all types of friendships are important. She believes that an important part of identifying our friendship needs is taking inventory of our current friendships and noticing gaps.
The author also discusses what is needed for establishing a friendship. She references Dobransky’s Friendship Formula- consistent, mutual, shared positive emotions. Some of these may be intuitive, but it’s nice to have a guide. I also think it lessens the stigma, because it is easy to identify what part of the formula we need to enact. We can have excellent social skills, but still not make ourselves available for friendship.
Shasta Nelson gives several ideas throughout her book about how to establish and nurture relationships. She discusses how part of nurturing relationships is navigating conflict in a genuine, but kind, way. The book gives strategies for talking through a conflict and for thinking about our part in the conflict. Getting through conflicts helps deepen the relationship.
I think Shasta Nelson thoroughly answered the question. “How can adults make friends?” Even if a person doesn’t agree with everything the author says I think how much thought she gives the questions can clarify their own thinking.
The author is religious. She mentions prayer, forgiveness, and the bible. I don’t think a person needs to be interested in these things to get something out of this book.
You might want to check out a copy of this book through the library before you decide if you need to buy it. This saves money, space, and mental clutter. This was a popular book, so it probably has a good chance of being at your library. It may be available as a physical copy or in a digital format through Libby or Hoopla. I do own a copy of this book.